Irony Practice 3

Moving to a new school had been tough for Janie, but things were finally turning around. She was making friends and she even received an invitation to Angie's pool party. There was one problem: Janie didn't know how to swim. Janie felt like admitting this might risk her new friendships. So she decided to go to the party and pretend like she knew how to swim. The first hour of the party went by swimmingly. Janie floated on a large raft and gossiped with the other girls. Then the girls started doing cannonballs and dives. Bridget did a jackknife. Angie did a can-opener. Now all eyes were on Janie. Bridget started teasing her, "Let's see what you can do, Brainy Janie!" Janie didn't know how to respond. Then Angie egged her on, "Come on, Janie. Do a flip!" Janie felt this tremendous pressure building, so she paddled to the edge of the pool and climbed out. How hard could it be? Janie thought. Angie and the other girls couldn't wait to see what kind of wild jump Janie would attempt. Little did they know how wild things were going to get.

Brandon was an adult when he found out that he had been adopted. It came as quite a shock. He spent his whole life thinking that the world was one way when in fact it there was another layer to it. As much as he loved and cherished his adoptive parents, he wanted to find his biological mother. So he contacted the adoption agency, but her information wasn't listed. He had a few clues and he followed them up, but they led to one dead-end after another. Brandon became obsessed. Sparing no expense, he employed a world-class detective. After many months of searching, the renowned detective came up empty-handed. Brandon never quit though. He spent years and piles of money scouring the world for clues to his birthmother's identity. Finally his efforts paid a return. He discovered that she was living right down the street from his house, just around the corner.

Max hated Brussels sprouts, but his Dad always made him eat them. One night an idea came to Max that would allow him to escape this cruel fate. He decided that he would feed the Brussels sprouts to his dog. This went well at first. The dog hungrily consumed the sprouts. Max's dad was pleased too. He congratulated Max on eating them all. "Normally it's a pain to get you to eat those, Max," He said. "I'm glad that you stepped it up." Max basked in his father's approval and felt quite clever. Then his dog let out a yelp. Max grew concerned. The dog was walking in a circle and hacking. His Dad asked, "What's wrong, Boy?" Max attempted to distract his father as he tended to the dog, "He probably just needs some space, Dad." Max's father looked at him curiously, right as the dog vomited a stream of Brussels sprouts.

It was the ninth inning and Bryant's team was down by two. Runners were on first and second base and Bryant was up to bat. He could tie the game, maybe even win it if he got a good hit. Bryant stared down the pitcher with a cold steel gaze as the ball floated from his hand. Everything seemed to move in slow motion. Bryant twirled awkwardly. He swung the bat and somehow hit the ball with the bottom of the handle. The ball gently bounced away from Bryant and landed directly in the third baseman's mitt. This caused a force out. The third baseman tossed it to the second basemen, causing a second force out. He threw it to first, and Bryant was responsible for a triple play. As the players lined up to exchange handshakes at the end of the game, the pitcher stared coolly at Bryant. They shook hands, and the pitcher said, "Nice hit, Champ. Way to get a hold of it." Bryant had never felt more embarrassed.

Axel was the toughest kid on the playground. He wore a leather jacket with cutoff sleeves and metal studs on the shoulders. He had a Mohawk hairstyle, listened to punk rock music, and hung out with the older kids. He rode his skateboard to school and did noseslides on the bike rack. He viscously beat anyone who challenged him. Yet, after a long day of being really tough, Axel's mommy tucked him into bed at night. Then he snuggled up tightly with a fluffy pink bear that he called Mr. Tickles.

Amy couldn't wait for the Christmas dance. She was so excited that she couldn't concentrate on anything else. The week leading up to it, she drew doodles of herself wearing her dress and a sparkling tiara instead of taking notes. The night before the dance, she noticed that she was getting a small pimple on her nose. It was just a tiny little mark, but she imagined herself with a great big pimple. She worried that she would look like Rudolph the Reindeer in all the photos. She grew gravely concerned. So she ran to the store and bought a tube of every kind of pimple fighting cream available. Then she went home and applied large globs of each of them to her nose. She went to bed that night satisfied that she had done all that she could to fight the blemish. When she woke up, she ran to mirror hoping that the pimple had vanished. As she gazed upon herself in the mirror, she screamed. The pimple had not vanished. Worse still, a bright red rash covered her entire nose.

The police thought that he was a criminal. Property owners felt that he was menace. But Noodles considered himself an artist. He painted huge murals with his spray cans. Noodles' artwork was everywhere. His name blazed on water towers, billboards, overpasses, and anything else that he could reach. One day, Noodles spray painted his name in big block letters over the window of the local grocery store. When the store owner arrived the next day, as he attempted to remove the paint, he was heard to utter, "Oh! Thank you. How nice of you, Noodles, to spray paint your name over my store window like that. I really appreciate it." He never got to thank Noodles personally, though he often wished that he had.

Cassie was unhappy in her relationship with Richard. There wasn't anything wrong with him. He did cut her off occasionally while she was trying to speak, but he was generally a good guy. She just wanted something different. She decided that tonight she would break up with Richard. When he arrived at her house, she wanted to talk with him about it, but he rushed her out the door. "No time to talk now, Babe," he said. "We're late for our dinner reservations." She figured that she would tell him at the restaurant, near the end of the meal. She would even offer to pay. So they enjoyed a delicious meal together. Then, right before dessert, Cassie opened her mouth to let out the fatal words. "Richard..." she began, but Richard broke in, "Oh, Babe, I got a surprise for you." He pulled a small white envelope from his pocket. "Two front row tickets to see your favorite band, The Mountain Boys!" Cassie's mouth dropped. She loved the Mountain Boys. Richard backpedaled, "I'm sorry that I cut you off again. What was it that you wanted to tell me?" Cassie looked down at the piece of cake in front of her and replied, "Oh, I forgot. Nothing important."

The two men crawled across the sun scorched sand. The wind blew the sand grains into their faces at blinding speeds as they reached their way over the dune. The man in back asked the other man to stop, but his throat was so dry that the word sounded more like "top." So the other man continued. As they reached the top of the dune, they looked over and saw a glistening pool some thirty yards down the hill. It wasn't a large pool, but it shimmered in the sun, beckoning the dehydrated men. It urged them to continue their struggle. The men summoned the will to live. They used it as strength when they had none, and the men pushed forward until the tiny pool was in reach. The man in front desperately scooped a handful of the shimmering liquid into his mouth. Almost instantly he began coughing and spitting out the water. The man behind him seemed confused, until the man in front said, "This is salt water..."

Jimmy the Lock was a master safecracker. He could bust open any safe in the world in under an hour using a crow bar, stethoscope, drill, and sledgehammer. No lock could hold Jimmy and that's why they called him the Lock. Jimmy was scheduled to do a six-year stretch in the can for a bank job that got messy. But he checked himself out before they could slam the cell door. Now that he was on the lamb, Jimmy set up the score of his life. He had the blueprints all laid out to do a job on an armored diamond delivery car. Jimmy gathered all his tools and headed out the door to meet his contact, Bobby the Rat. When he got to his car, Jimmy couldn't find his keys. He patted his pockets before he realized that he must have left them in his other thieving-pants. So Jimmy went back to get his keys, but the door wouldn't open. Jimmy the Lock had locked himself out of his house.